I just broke down crying on a phone call with my mom. i told her everything about how i think im a narcissist and how ive unearthed this malice within myself and how i dont know how to fix it, or if i should fix it, and how im worried about how i'll ever be able to make connections with people, and if im just gonna end up drifting, indecisive, and alone. i dont know what to do. im so scared for myself, and i dont know how to fix myself, and i dont know if other people feel the way i feel, and what if i dont want to change, and how im worried about transitioning. i loathe thinking about summer, and having to be home all summer, but now i'm wondering if my mom is the rational one and i've been the abuser all along, but do i care about this because of genuine concern about myself or do i care about this because im afraid of what others might think? who am i? what am i doing, and where am i going? i dont want to go home for summer i dont want to face all of that i dont know what i want to do or where to go or who i am, or what i want to do, and i need to make some kind of descsion i need to know SOON what the fuck im doing with my life and who the FUCK i am and if im mirthless, if im disingenuous and hateful, and if im okay with being mirthless, disingenuous and hateful. i just dont know what to do and what's true or real and who or what to believe. i have these daydreams where i get to be an author and i end up writing for a living, is that what i want to do? write for a living? i cant possibly make a living like that. i have an essay due tomorrow and i dont know why i dont remember more of the good things my mom says to me and i just have no idea what to do with myself. i just have no idea. i think it would just be easier on everyone if i was dead and i couldnt hurt anyone anymore. i wish i could see into the future and see if i ever ended up making some sort of meaningful human connection with somebody else, and if they love me, and if i'm capable of being kind and considerate to them and putting them first and always listening to them. i wish i could know who i am, and if my mom really is abusive or not, and if im in the right or not, or if it even matters if im in the right or not. i just dont know.
from kon on discord:
like i hope this doesn't sound condescending because i don't mean it in that way at all, but sometimes i think you forget how young you are in the grand scheme of things. regardless of how you feel about your mom, it's clear she didn't display healthy behaviour towards you growing up, and you're only just starting to get out of the shadow of that. not to mention you're going through incredible upheavals and changes with realising you're trans and beginning that journey. finally you have a lot of mental health issues to manage, which must be exhausting and also impact how you perceive things and function. with all that in mind it's no wonder you're experiencing self-doubt and issues with believing in yourself. the world has shat on you in multiple different ways and it really must feel like sometimes you're barely staying afloat. but like, you're doing impeccably well. you're trying your best, you're working hard, and most importantly of all you give a fuck about how your behaviour will influence/hurt other people. that immediately proves you're on the right track.
so like… give yourself some time. you're not even 20 yet dude, no one is expecting you to have all this shit worked out.