5/12/2019

God I hate my body. I'm so fucking scared of getting on testosterone because I could get fat, and I'm already overweight, and what if I get diabetes and insulin is so fucking expensive and I could die, and the fact that I pass as kind of thin is like, the only thing I like about myself, and food is so goddamn often the only thing I can look forward to, and I just don't know what to do. I'm so scared and I just hate myself and every way forward just looks like more endless self loathing. It's already gonna be hard to find a partner as a transgender guy, and it'll be even harder if I'm fat and trans to find someone. Who the hell is gonna love me? And I'm gonna have type 2 diabetes and shit too? Like is it even worth it? Like maybe if I went on T I wouldn't be so dependent on food as my only source of something to look forward to on a day to day basis.

I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I don't want to tell my parents that this is why I'm afraid to start T. I don't know what I would do if I gained more weight. I don't know who would love me. I think they would judge me if I gained weight. I'm so scared. I have so many friends who are overweight and trans and I still love them just how they are, but I'm afraid about how my family will treat me, and if they'll still see me as equal. And the fucking shame if I get diabetes, the disappointment in myself. It just feels like something I might have to deal with or get over before this happens, or like, again it would just be easier to kill myself and get it over with, just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. Why would I deal with the endless string of health problems in front of me? I don't know what to do.

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